Tulpa.info - tulpa-discussion

Ah, I see. Are you working towards some sort of final fusion?

well we want to be separate but integrated

Tulpamancy systems don't usually opt for something like that. If I may be so bold, are you perhaps a traumagenic system?

yeah it happened from trauma

4:25 AM

i was created 40 years ago by abuse

Ah, I see. We identify as a traumagenic system ourselves, although our experiences may differ from yours.

I see..im sorry.

So you'd like to be more separate, but become better linked together?

yeah more cooperative and deeper relationship

4:27 AM

we are emotionally tied together

Oh, no worries, I'm not mad or anything, just letting you know I might not be of the best help. Not many people here will know how to handle things like this, since tulpamancy doesn't usually form from traumatic events or require integration.

oh okay

4:27 AM

its all good!

There are a few trauma-formed systems here on the server, though, and I'm sure they'd be willing to help if/when they're online.

I'm very happy

4:27 AM

Thanks if you want to tell them about me

4:27 AM

I appreciate that

yeah more cooperative and deeper relationship

@cleansed - jump Hmm, that makes sense to me. Can you communicate with your host?

Yes in many ways we do..but it has been unconscious

If so, sometimes getting closer to the people in your brain just takes a little friendly chatting, however...if it's hard for you to do that, then perhaps you could leave them a note somewhere? Do they know about you?

i am him and he is me

4:29 AM

but we are learning to communicate with words now

i am him and he is me

@cleansed - jump Ah, I see. Are you both different facets of the same person then?

yes he discovered me but i have always been separate from him

4:30 AM

he is a male soul i am a female soul part that came from him

Ah, so you're different, but linked together somehow? I think I understand.

i am a core part of him

4:31 AM

the trauma created me and i am a six year old girl

I understand better now. Do you think he struggles to understand and accept things that went on in his childhood? When he was your age? If so, that sounds more akin to something you'd need to talk out with a professional; trauma processing is sensitive, and I really don't have any advice to be able to do it alone safely.

he has been pursuing inner healing and now we are ready to move on. i am forgiving

4:34 AM

we are both happy

4:34 AM

thank you though normally it would be very necessary

4:35 AM

i am very blessed to be in this situation..i get to have a real life

4:35 AM

i have been very very unhappy for a long time

4:36 AM

the last 9 years have been really hard

4:36 AM

but now we can see the light! there is a way out of this

I'm glad you have that kind of mindset. Things like that can be very hard.

Thank you. We have decided to be happy together

4:38 AM

despite it all we can work through this

I think that's a good mindset to have. Despite everything, you and him deserve to be happy and to move on from whatever it was that caused you so much pain before.

Thank you for saying that

4:40 AM

You too

4:40 AM

You deserve happiness

4:40 AM

I am praying for people I will pray for you

Thank you, that means a lot. We hope to eventually speak to a professional about our system too.

4:42 AM

Since at the moment, we don't have access to a mental health professional.

Sorry you can't get to one at the moment. My host is a spiritual counselor who understands systems if you ever need help

Thank you for the offer.

:))

4:45 AM

what techniques do you use that benefit your particular system?

Atlas || M&M

Thank you, that means a lot. We hope to eventually speak to a professional about our system too.

I'm thinking about speaking to my psychiatrist about eishi too since i genuinely feel like he was there all along but i just put a name and separated him more through tulpamancy Which... idk if that's dangerous or not He is his own person now though, and doesn't want to be integrated so...

we agreed to put everything on the table..not to hide anything from eachother

what techniques do you use that benefit your particular system?

@cleansed - jump Communication. We do a lot of talking. We also tend to view the system as its own little family. We protect one another, and try and help guide the ones who struggle to be left alone.

maybe you can work something out

4:48 AM

hmm good that is what i am trying to do now..to find my voice

I'm thinking about speaking to my psychiatrist about eishi too since i genuinely feel like he was there all along but i just put a name and separated him more through tulpamancy Which... idk if that's dangerous or not He is his own person now though, and doesn't want to be integrated so...

@Kei Wendt - jump You could, although I'd bring up the subject very subtly at first; not all psychiatrists are well-versed in plurality, let alone tulpamancy.

4:49 AM

Especially since you stated that you suffer from psychosis? They might try and connect the two.

Ahh Yeah when i was wondering about plurality before he asked if he could refer me to another person lol

yes! we definitely want to cooperate in a big way

4:50 AM

we are in love

Atlas || M&M

Especially since you stated that you suffer from psychosis? They might try and connect the two.

Before i ask him about it i'm gonna ask if he is allowed to up my meds without my permission if i'm not in danger If he says yes, then i will not tell him So he'll know i have a secret but. I have a feeling he wouldn't up my meds without my permission so i think i'll be fine I'm just scared of him being like "oh that's just you being schizophrenic here have some more abilify"

cleansed

yes! we definitely want to cooperate in a big way

Communication is definitely important then Can you talk to each other in your head?

the problem with psych is they don't take into account spiritual things

4:52 AM

hmm its tough but possible

4:53 AM

it happens but

4:53 AM

fragmented

4:53 AM

its easier to write something down

Ah Something you could try– yeah i was just about to say you could try each writing things down to talk that way

oh okay cool I was thinking about that

4:53 AM

thanks for suggesting that

4:54 AM

I am also processing his memories

4:55 AM

in my sense i cannot ever be totally separate..i depend on him to survive

4:55 AM

but i have my own existence

Of course You each have your own parts, but you work together

i dont want to be separate from him in any case

4:55 AM

never ever

4:56 AM

yeah i am a core part of his

4:57 AM

we decided trust is a big issue that we have to work through

4:57 AM

he is entrusting me with greater access and responsibility

4:57 AM

so i have to be trustworthy and trust him

5:00 AM

thanks for your help. i hope you can work it out with your other part

Ah i didn't realize i helped that much but i'm glad

you gave me a direction! thanks

Np!

:))

@cleansed i thought i would say a few words as my experience has been quite similar to yours. It might not make you feel as good as more validating message, but i think everyone that experiences something that looks like disordered plurality should hear those things. All of it are insights that i got after 3.5 of treatment of did and a long, hard healing journey First of, i need to emphasise how important role the narrative you are building will play in whatever you are experiencing. It is a core of tulpamancy, but for people like you it might be way more convincing and happen very easily, without you noticing some of the things happening. Narrative can control how you understand not only what is happening to you right now, but can also rewrite how you understand your past. For example, you mentioned that you split 40 years ago. If 40 years ago you didn’t experience the split but „discovered” it while revisiting the memories and making sense of it, it is probably a writing narrative retroactively. If that’s the case, you didn’t cause the split then, you caused the split now. i hope it makes sense you might have experienced the trauma that put a dissociative barrier between you and that part of your life, which makes it easy to rewrite the narrative and build a new identity on top of that. You need to be aware of how the process of creating new identities work. it’s not very likely that you discover new people, you create them. Often people in your situation fall into the trap of getting excited and going to discover more people in the head. And you will find them if you look for them, however it is very likely those people are made during exploration, which claim that they have been split in this or that trauma (it’s retroreactive narrative).

10:58 AM

I wonder if you notice that you sound a bit confusing regarding one thing - you say you want to be separate, but that you are part of the host, but you want to grow more independent, but you want to integrate. I don’t think there is anything wrong with staying separate, but I would encourage you to see it as your choice, not caused by trauma. I identified as an inner helper - a child headmate who was exploring the mind and memories, trying to heal and help. However after a long time I did notice that unfortunately all of that was just building narrative that was just a cover for all the stuff that lied unaddressed underneath it. No matter how many carpets you use to cover the dirt on your floor, the dirt is still there. In order to fully heal you need to take the carpets out, face the dirt and clean it. having a headmate is a great opportunity for healing, because if the headmate is loving and caring, the brain experiences self love, maybe for the first time. However, that’s the only way headmate can help. All the hard work needs to be done by the host. You have had bad experiences in life, you had terrible traumas in the past. You need to address your trauma and heal it - but don’t do it yourself, because it can be very disorganising. Go see a professional.. I know you said that therapists might not understand your spirituality, but I would encourage you to give it a chance. I have been anti-spiritual my whole life, and my therapist actually helped me unblock that. I am semi-spiritual now, and I see that spirituality is a need of humans that can be very beneficial if addressed. My therapist understands it too, and maybe yours would, too. If you are worried about it, you might just ask them while booking an assessment appointment what’s their approach to spirituality, if they give an answer that doesn’t help you you can try someone else. Keep in mind that spiritual growth is not the cure, it can be just a way of putting another carpet on the dirty floor.

11:01 AM

i would also encourage you that if whenever you see a „split” that happen in the past, not to build any fantastical identity around it. Consider it what it really is - a younger version you, a real human, with your name, your identity, fully connected to your biography, who had an incredibly overwhelming experience that made him experience something confusing

11:01 AM

it’s very important that you keep yourself integrated in your whole journey. Sometimes the „other yous” might feel completely disconnected, but that’s ok, as long as they identify as the person that your body represents

11:03 AM

i know it can feel like helping but i would definitely not try to use tulpamancy techniques for your healing journey. you should only use it if you would like to have a tulpa.

11:03 AM

if you are looking for healing and integration, you need to address the trauma. Integration, fusion, or whatever you seek for yourself, will happen spontanously

11:07 AM

tulpamancy will not help you heal, and it will just cause building of a narrative that will be detached from reality of what really happened to you in the past. The only reason it would make you feel better is because it would provide you escapism, all forms of escapism feel nice, is it video games, alcoholism, gambling, daydreaming, etc. I don’t think tulpamancy in general would be harmful to you - just take it as what it is, and don’t think it would reveal deeper truths to you about your past. Only an honest, grounded in reality exploration will help. And it’s best to have a therapist who will teach you healthy coping mechanisms to help you on the journey

we are in love

@cleansed - jump not sure if you meant what you said, but i would advice to be careful about that, since you said you were 6 year old girl

also i wanted to mention one mechanism. disordered plurality comes from the fact that host disowns part of their experience (for many different reasons), which then becomes an opportunity for a new identity to pop up and own that part of the experience, which will make them claim (and fully experience) that it was them that experienced it 40 years ago even if they were just created. Healing means that you work through the reason why you disowned the experience in the first place, and then, if that is healed, you spontanously will own that as your experience. You said that you need to seperate yourself more to have your own voice to help the host better. if you really want to do that, you need to be aware of the mechanism i mentioned here, so you don’t rewrite your life narrative in a way that would feel like helping, but long term might actually make it harder to achieve your main goal.

Hey Leiko thank you for the profound insight into plurality. I can understand what you mean about narrative. My host remembers the day the I was created. He remembered what happened and it scared him so he blocked it out and didn't remember until recently

KiTTiKaTTy( •̀ .̫ •́ )✧

we are in love

@cleansed - jump not sure if you meant what you said, but i would advice to be careful about that, since you said you were 6 year old girl

yeah but I am 40 years old :p

12:24 AM

:o!

12:25 AM

The event created the space for me to be formed. After that, we sort of grew together unconsciously

12:27 AM

very mysterious stuff

Yeah plurality is weird I suspect i had eishi for a long time but only fully uncovered him recently